I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
