Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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