Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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