So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
