My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
