goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
