I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's shark week go big or go home
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
