dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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