I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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