I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
