New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
