I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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