Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
