lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
there is glitter all over my balls
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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