I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
