i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
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