I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
