Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
