you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize