There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
