i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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