i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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