Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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