One girl and one boy is just not enough.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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