My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
