cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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