porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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