Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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