Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
