Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
