If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
i now understand why vodka
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
