My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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