I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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