just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
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