you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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