In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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