Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
you had me at cake vodka
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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