i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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