Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i would punch a child for taco bell
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Randomize
