My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
This is my gift to your gina
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
