i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
