I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
