I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
