Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
