two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
