Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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