Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
