I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
