I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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