Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
