Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
