So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
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