dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
