I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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