kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
